1. |
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Walkin' out the grocery store with a big-ass crowbar
I've got a backpack that's packed with snacks (and a big-ass crowbar)
I've got food for all of my friends,
And I can't wait to see how this night ends,
But I'm pretty fucking sure that we'll be well fed
While we smash shit up with a crowbar
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2. |
Self Care is Hard
03:49
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"But she's got bagage!" my father says at 30.
"At your age, who doesn't?" his father did reply.
And that gives me hope, till my friend says,
that "everyone I've met through online dating is somehow broken,
Or busted."
Wonder what it says if I had to delete mine...
Last three summers bought a house plant,
First died to root rot, second two forgot,
Like a metaphor for my friendships
Nothing scares me quite as much, as fear itself
Except for all my realized fears that I'm now more afraid of
So I'm gonna die alone (or someone's gonna wish I did)
Hope that I can change, or come to terms with it.
'Cause I don't have the courage to find a hand to hold
But lack the resolve to be on my own.
Pockets full of litter like it's my job,
Like it could someday make up for all the people I've hurt
(or that I will hurt)
Cause I'll ignore the needs of others if they tell me they are fine
And I have used my trauma as excuse not explanation
So while comunication remains imperfect, complex, and so delicate:
Nothing will scare me more than the times my desperation
Consumes my better judgement,
And my instincts for survival
So I'm gonna die alone (or someone's gonna wish I did)
Hope that I can change, or come to terms with it.
'Cause I don't have the courage to find a hand to hold
But lack the resolve to be on my own.
You make me elated
And I fucking hate it.
Cause I'm left a nervous wreck,
Half naked on my couch waiting for a text
Watching Samurai Champloo with tears in my eyes when the villain says
"Man can't know despair without first knowing hope,
But man without hope cannot live"
'Cause that's been my excuse for going on 3 years now,
While I pretend that self-care means watching anime,
And ignoring problems
'stead of making hard choices.
So I'd better die alone, so no one has to wish I did.
But I'm gonna change, I'm not resigned to this
And until I am better, won't look for hands to hold
I'll find my resolve to be on my own
I'll find my resolve to be alone
Until I am better, I'd better die alone
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3. |
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Five P.M. you got the call
They found her and by 9 your dad came
In time to hear them say that
"We don't know when she'll wake up"
Drift off on a stiff backed chair next to your mom's new bed
I wanna be happy.
I wanna feel whole
I wanna be healthy, and this time
Without taking that from someone else
Whoah
I wanna know I can tell my friends and old lovers that I miss em
Without making them feel guilty if they don't feel the same
It's hard to be the kind of person who values your happiness over wanting to be the one to make you smile
Hey, I fucking miss you.
8 A.M. you're killing it between semi-conscious classmates
With a strength and resilience unknown to most adults
While your teacher's fucking losing it cause they've been up since you went down
Freaked out by a nightmare where an ex went for their roomies
And I'm amazed. No! I'm inspired
By the strength that you have shown in the two months that have passed
As I regain, the self I've lost
It's filled me with resolve to see you pushing through
So theses days (most days), I've been doing great
I'm awake, alive, alert, enthusiastic
But in my dreams (yeah, my dreams) I wake up to my alarm
Cause when I sleep I am dreaming that I am the worst of me,
I'm defenseless till the dawn.
So I'll dread the hours between three and six,
But I'll get those bastards someday
As I learn to be happy
Learn to feel whole,
Learn to be healthy,
(and this time)
Without taking that from someone else
Whoa
I won't have to tell my friends and old lovers that I miss 'em
'cause the ones that I hold close are the ones who feel the same
Won't second-guess your needs when we hang out,
cause I can ask you
Yeah, I can just ask you
"Hey, let's hang out again."
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4. |
When Words Fail
03:23
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Not this time
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5. |
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Well, it could be worse,
You could be hearing them cut or purge.
Instead, you're having sex against your will.
So two years later,
Now you've found that that feeling in your chest
That you've been calling love is the same as the one you have for fear,
But tonight, lets celebrate.
Cause at least you left your house
So it could be
But then your phone rings and
"She's reached out, said 'you're abusive.'
If we don't take this claim with severity,
we can't build a safe community."
And you just laugh,
Between the panic attacks,
Cause you haven't been safe there (or anywhere) for months
But you're not paranoid.
Just right.
So it could be worse.
When the ones who've
Fucked you up
Have the trust of people that you love,
There is no safety.
And you'll start to
Fixate
On the ways you must deserve this
(if it's happening)
But you're still
Breathing
So it could be worse
It could be worse,
You could be in your living room back home.
So you might be spitting blood,
But this time it's in public.
So you just laugh.
Between the gasps for breath
Waves of pain met with relief now you can prove that this is real.
This is your out.
So it could be
But then your phone rings and
"What did you do to get him so angry?
I've never seen him like that before.
Why'd you dump him? He needs your suport!"
While your phone blows up with snaps from your friends
At a bar out to find him a rebound.
So fuck this place you're out
And you're never coming ba
'Till two years later
You're stuck as maid of honor
With him the best man to his brother dear.
Eschewing the open bar,
So you can see when he goes to his car,
Because it could be so much worse.
(The gun's still in his glove-box)
When the ones who
Fucked you up
Have the trust of people that you love
And a colt-45
There is no safety.
And you'll start to
Fixate
On the ways you must deserve this
(if it's happening)
But you're still breathing, for now,
So it cou
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6. |
Seriously, Make This Jam
02:46
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5 Cups of fruit
And a table spoon lime-juice
Full bag of sugar
Throw in the rind
Let it turn into goo on mid heat for 10 minutes
Then not much to do till the water bath boils, so you get to thinking:
When did we all get so tired?
When did getting caught up start to be work?
Now before sending texts I must steal my resolve,
Cause just saying "Hi" takes emotional labor,
But I don't get it,
Just don't get why
When did I get so damn boring?
When did I stop going out in the world?
Now all my good stories start with "way back
When I was in college" or even "in high school"
And that don't look to soon be changing
When did we all get
So overwhelmed that
The simple becomes impossible?
Like enough hygiene not to have bedsores
Or just doing laundry, and folding that laundry,
By the next time I need to do laundry.
Shit, the pot's boiling over so,
Grab parchment paper to take of the froth,
and fill up a jar with a quarter inch head-space
Wipe off the rim with a wet paper tower,
Pop on the lid and it's back to the pot
To a full roiling boil for 5 to 10 minutes,
And not much to do,
so you've got to thinking:
It's been a year since you spoke with Sam Gonzales.
The other Sam Gonzales it's been 3 times that long,
And I wonder if Alex ever got that job teaching...
There are so many people who I hold important
Who I have no clue if they're even living.
But if I can get called up by Henry
Inviting me out to his wedding day,
Get there 5 hours late 'cause I got the damn date wrong
And still talk all night like the years of absence
Have cost us nothing,
It gives me hope that
Maybe it's just getting older.
You meet more people and get spread thin.
And the years in between when you both can find time
Hold nothing in front of foundations you've built up
In time before then.
So now I'm thinking,
As I take the jars out to cool overnight,
That this is the batch that I'll finally send out with a card.
(I still need to do that...)
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7. |
Hard to Write
03:59
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How fucking dare you?
How fucking dare you?
If you wanna start a war
Then come at me.
Don't disembowel civilians or give guns to drug lords.
But I swear to god if it's a fight you want,
Then it's a fight that you won't get.
'Cause I don't think that it's ok to turn scars into a weapon
And I don't think that it's ok to talk shit 'til someone's useful.
And I don't count on vengeance as the bottom of Maslow's food pyramid,
Cause I can forgive.
And unlike you I'll die sober,
So when I fuck people up I don't
blame it on the aaaaaalcohol
And have to live with the fact I'm a monster,
Oh god, I'm a monster...
So for a week, there was anger,
then months of despair.
It's been years of exhaustion,
and a broken life I can't...
fix
They must be right
They must be right
That I don't respect women,
or destroy the lives I touch
When the fourth person says it, there must be something to it.
Too trapped in my headscape,
A hellscape I can't escape,
where I relive all my past mistakes and act them out in tandem.
I wanna go away to a far off country where I don't speak the language,
So I can't drag anybody down with me.
Where I can die sober,
So when I disappoint my friends on a daily basis,
They know what to blame.
For the week, there was anger,
and the months of despair.
and the years of exhaustion,
But I'm getting better I...
Promise
But what's the point?
When there's a one player game of Jenga on my desk
Made of dishes it'd be easier to wash than stack up higher,
But I've a mastery that's been hereto unseen in my life.
Cause I haven't left my house outside of work (for weeks)
Lost a couple of Gs On grad-school classes (that I didn't complete)
when you're too burnt out to hate yourself,
you're too burnt out for anything,
'Specially writing self-righteous garbage,
Ladadada blah blah blah
Um. Sober.
Through the week of anger
And the months of despair
And the years of exhaustion
But this shit's gotten old and I swear
I will make better beds for me to lie in
I will find healthy habits that stick
I will take the hands that reach out to me
Focus on the build and the break.
I will heed any justice in my anger,
Forgive myself for the despair,
And I know that there will be exhaustion,
But I will find growth from all this decay
So today I'm
(Walking out the grocery store with a big-ass crowbar)
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The Tony Hawk Soundtrack Cambridge, Massachusetts
We sing about depression and self improvement. Grab a kazoo, we brought bubbles.
We will play the heck out of your basement/living room, hook some homies up!
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